


The Monster

by chocopieyj



Category: GOT7
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 01:25:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19415602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocopieyj/pseuds/chocopieyj
Summary: Youngjae's life is painfully white and Jaebum is his only source of color, so he fights with himself to keep him by his side.





	The Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted on AFF. ;) 
> 
> A story inspired by Eminem's song "The monster" ft. Rihanna.

**_...Cause the very thing that I love is killing me_ **   
**_and I can't conquer it..._ **

* * *

Youngjae woke up and the first thing he saw was the white ceiling of his bedroom.

He blinked a few times to get used to the light and sat on the bed, carefully looking at the rest of the room in which he had lived the last five years.

Just like the ceiling, the four walls were of a gleaming white and, as a matter of fact, everything in there was perfectly colorless.

In a corner of the room, against the wall, it was his bed with a painted wood base and clean white sheets scented with fabric softener; beside it, a mahogany bookcase, for a change, white. And in the opposite corner was a small bathroom, which was also completely white; from the toilet and sink and even the tiles covering the floor and walls.

Everything was spotless white.

The doctors had their reasons of course, they said it was because that color brought peace, gave off tranquility and comfort and relaxed the mind - which was something everybody in there needed.

The only variation in color were the book’s spines neatly stacked in rows on the bookshelf and the cotton clothes that Youngjae used every single day - shirt and pants of a light blue, the special uniform sported by all the patients in the hospital.

Sometimes, he woke up tired of that room. Before they admitted him to the hospital, he owned an apartment in downtown from where he could see the river and the light show on the bridge.

At times, he missed that view but even if he asked, they never let him out. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t understand why he was there but he didn’t think that just one night out to see the river was a bad thing either.

The lights of the bridge it was what he missed the most of his other life, his previous life, before he was locked up in that room all alone.

Or _almost_ alone.

_He_ always visited him and kept him company when he needed him the most.

And that was what he liked the most about his current life.

His visits always put him in a good mood, he made him happy, so whenever he woke up, he did it in the hope that he was going to see him.

Youngjae wasn’t sure why, but his presence was more than enough for him.

He soon realized he didn’t need his family or his supposed friends that went away as soon as they discovered his problem, he didn’t need anyone of them, really.

But he would lie if he said that being there the first months wasn’t difficult.

It was a nightmare.

Wake up at midnight bathed in sweat screaming his lungs out, or just being unable to sleep feeling hundreds of eyes behind him, carefully watching his movements. Hearing them talking about how they would hurt him if he made them angry.

And enclosed within four walls, he had no way to escape from the demons. They tortured him and he could no longer run away.

Then, the doctors. Forcing him to take cold showers, depriving him of most liberties and making him take hundreds of drugs that promised to make the demons go away only making them burst in anger.

He lived in terror.

Gradually, everything began to change - the eyes that observe him disappeared and he could finally sleep whole nights without nightmares.

He still had to keep taking countless pills at lunchtime but the ice in the tub was over. Also, the doctors let him spend two hours a day in the useless music room, the piano was really old and beat up but it worked and it was tuned so that was more than enough for Youngjae, and as the other patients liked his music, they let him play every spare moment he had, if he was feeling strong enough.

And luckily, JaeBum came.

Youngjae saw him for the first time in one of his sessions with the therapist. When he entered the office, he found Jaebum sitting there, dressed up in the same uniform as his, the first thought was that he made a mistake because it was his turn to the private session, but there was no error. It was the right consulting room and the correct time.

Apparently their appointments mixed up so they waited for the therapist to clarify the error but he never came so they spent almost all day together, waiting.

And when the silence became unbearable, they started to talk about everything - about their previous lives, their currents activities and what they would do if they ever managed to get out from there. Youngjae was shy at first but he soon discovered how easy was to talk with Jaebum.

It was nice, it was the first time he spoke this much with an inmate from the hospital, he wished it would never end. The next day, he was scheduled for a new session and pleasingly, he continued to meet with jaebum.

At first, they only saw each other occasionally in the cafeteria or in the common room, sharing shy smiles and greetings. Then, Jaebum joined Youngjae’s group sessions and now, Jaebum went up to his room to see him almost every day.

They spent so much time together that it was weirder when they didn’t see each other.

Youngjae could say, one hundred percent sure, that he stand those five years in prison because of Jaebum.

Life became bearable because they were together.

A nurse came in his room just then, at the exact same time as the last 1,825 days to take him to the dining room, smiling when she saw him already awake.

He stood up obediently and walked next to her down the long corridor of marble floor he already knew by heart and nodded politely when the nurse mentioned something he was hardly listening.

In the dining room, he went directly to the window pane to pick up his daily meds. The nurse in charge checked up his name and gave him a plastic cup with his usual seven capsules - two blue, two long and yellow and three tiny, round and white pills.

He thanked her and looked fixedly the cup, trying not to think about the things the psychiatrist told him that meds would help him with - anxiety, paranoia, delusions and some shit the the psychiatrist called ‘Imaginary projections’. Youngjae was still trying to decipher what he mean by that.

And he always laugh out loud when he heard that term, as if he was going to be offended if he told him directly that he had hallucinations, that he heard voices and saw people who didn’t exist, if that was the plane truth.

He himself wasn’t afraid to say it - he was crazy. His brain didn’t work as it should, in the way the rest of the people called ‘normal’, the same people who were so afraid of people like Youngjae, that chose better to lock them up.

But YoungJae didn’t care, not anymore at least.

At first, when it all started, he was so freaked out, he was afraid of himself.

Of _them_.

He wanted to run away but he couldn’t, he tried to escape and lock himself but there was no way to silence them - they mocked him, they got angry, threatened him and hurt him; they told him they would never leave.

He hated them.

Over time, he began to accept it. He acknowledged that they were part of him, he accepted that they didn’t have to be enemies. Sometimes it was difficult, of course, there were so many bad days.

But he got used to them, now he could say he was friends with the monsters and get along with the voices inside his head. Well yes, he was nuts for real and it was hard but now, he was okay with that.

A guard behind him tapped his shoulder softly, hurrying him up to take the pills and watching closely to make sure that he swallowed all the pills, but after some years following the same routine, Youngjae learned how to avoid them.

He drinked the blues and yellows ones but hid inside his mouth the white pills, those made him feel terribles headaches and nausea also, it left him in such a daze that sometimes he didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. Sometimes he even forgot his own name, it made him feel really sick - that's why he avoided it.

Luckily those pills were small, he kept it under his tongue or hid it between the gums and inner cheek, it wasn’t difficult to trick them.

He took the other pills and when the guard wasn’t looking, he spat it surreptitiously on a napkin to then throw them down the toilet. He didn’t need it that much anyway.

Take it or not, they were still there, though he couldn't see them, he could feel them. So he rather not take that ones, he knew he was insane but he didn’t like being prevented in any way - what that medicine made was making him feel stupid, useless and lost, among other things.

The routine of the day went as expected - he ate a bit and had his group session, followed by an hour in the piano and after, the guard escorted him to his room where he would stay until lunchtime.

When he came he pleasantly discovered he wasn’t alone, waiting for the guard to lock up his door to get closer to that well known broad back that was facing him.

"You’re here," he smiled approaching to the other’s body

"You need a window here" replied a male deep voice gently

"You have said it a couple of times" Youngjae reminded him, sitting on the edge of the bed and waiting for him to turn around to face him but he didn’t.

Instead, he just kept looking the concrete wall with great concentration as if he wanted to break it with a look.

Jaebum looked like he have had a bad day, Youngjae already knew him well enough to say it. He also knew that it was better to leave him thinking quietly, because he could get very angry if he was disturbed.

Youngjae wondered why he visited him when he was this angry but Jaebum always said that being with him made him feel so relaxed and at peace.

For him it was the same. Jaebum’s presence made him feel less misfit in a world where neither of them was accepted.

Minutes later, Jaebum turned around, looking him and smiling. It was a tired smile, Youngjae knew that feeling, getting sick tired to live locked up, with non-existent people chasing you all the time. To live as the dregs of society.

"You had a bad day?" He asked, knowing the answer already

"I'm tired" it was the reply, Jaebum used a hard voice tone that warned him he didn’t want nor would talk about it "You took your meds today?"

Youngjae nodded slightly but then shook his head sideways, clarifying himself "No the whites"

Jaebum nodded approvingly "Don’t take it, you shouldn’t do it, you know what happens if you do it, right?"

"I know," Youngjae replied, smiling softly

They were silent for a while and Jaebum took a sit beside him on the mattress staring at the wall in front of him.

"Jaebum, tell me a story" Youngjae asked in a whisper, wanting to hear his voice

"About what you want to hear" Jaebum whispered too, redirecting his gaze to the other

"The time when we leave here"

That was his favorite subject of Jaebum’s stories, he was always eager to hear the plans that were on Jaebum’s imagination on them both, it was a few minutes of hope. That encouraged them to know that someday, somewhere, they might be together for real.

Jaebum sighed. He closed his eyes and took his time to start his story.

"The day we’ll be discharged, we'll go to the river," he said, putting a half smile "Because you like looking at it."

Youngjae nodded, closing his eyes too, to can imagine as well.

"We’ll live in a comfortable double apartment," he went on "The walls will be painted in sky blue or light green, no one bit of white anywhere."

"But even if it will have two rooms, we’ll only use one of it," Youngjae stepped forward, knowing by heart every single word

"Yeah," said the other, his smile growing bigger with each word "We’ll sleep together and at night, I'll protect you from them. If you can’t sleep, I’ll hug you to my chest and I’ll sing a song for you."

"I like Jaebum’s voice the most," Youngjae opened his eyes and looked at him. He was with his sight on some point on the ceiling but he could see him smiling.

"As we’ll have plenty of time, we’ll be able to go to many places," Jaebum went on to tell "I'll take you to expensive restaurants, where we could eat real food."

"No more soup and rice?"

Jaebum shook his head "There will beef steak, fish, caviar and lobster. We’ll eat a different dish every day, no soup or rice."

Youngjae smiled, sighing "Can we go eat ice cream?"

"There will always be room for the ice cream," Jaebum finally looked at him, with such a tender and adoring look "A lot of chocolate ice cream that will freeze our brains by eating too fast."

"Ah, that would be great," Youngjae looked away with that image perfectly formed in his mind

"It will!" Exclaimed Jaebum, slowly getting excited, "And we’ll walk for hours! Without a destination in mind, just walking holding hands until our feet hurts and when we get tired, we’ll sit there and I'll hold you by the shoulders and you’ll suit in my lap with your arms around my waist and we’ll see the sunset together."

Youngjae nodded but didn’t answer, feeling his heart twitching inside his chest.

“Or we can stay at home," continued the other, "Staying in bed, doing nothing. Cuddling while watching tv. I'm going to spoil you a lot, Youngjae," he said lovingly, "We also will have a piano, but not an old piano as the one in the music room, it’ll be a grand piano, black brand new. I’ll sit to listen while you play me a song. It will be perfect, every moment" He ended but Youngjae wasn’t looking at him.

"Can you imagine it, Youngjae?" Jaebum asked, trying to get his attention back "We being together all the time? Holding hands for hours? Touching us?"

Youngjae nodded again, the twitch in his heart hurting him and wiping out the smile off of his face.

"I wanna hold your hand right now," he said in a sad whisper.

"You know we can’t," the other reminded him, erasing the peaceful expression he had drawn on his face “Maybe later on, when you get stronger.”

"I know," Youngjae’s broken voice was barely audible in the silence, stifling a whimper.

"Don’t cry Youngjae," Jaebum asked pleadingly "Please don’t cry."

Youngjae squeezed his eyes shut, wishing to fulfill the request of the only person in the world he cared for, but he couldn’t. The whole situation hurt so much.

"I like to see you smile," Jaebum kept talking, trying to distract him, "I want you to smile forever."

Youngjae breathed slowly and deeply, calming himself. When he was ready he opened his eyes and met those of Jaebum, who looked at him worriedly.

"If you stay with me, I can smile for you," he said, drawing a smile that was just dedicated to him, there was no one else in the world that Youngjae could or want to smile like that.

It was just Jaebum for him.

"I will always be here," Jaebum smiled back sweetly, "As long as you want, I'll stay by your side."

The throbbing pain in Youngjae’s chest was replaced for a nice, softly and growing warm, he felt so loved with Jaebum beside him - he was about to reply but they were interrupted by the sound of the lock on his door and a male nurse and a guard entering the room.

Jaebum get up quickly and leaned against the nearest corner, crossing his arms and looking at them reproachfully.

Youngjae erased instantly the smile off his face and wiped with his hand the few tears that had slipped down his cheeks.

At seeing the fast action, the nurse raised an eyebrow and looked at him disapprovingly.

"Why is he here again?" He asked, approaching him but he wasn’t waiting for an answer and Youngjae shrugged, faking a pitiful smile.

"You have to take all your meds Youngjae." The man warned, putting in his hand the evening dose - this time it was one blue, one yellow and three white. Youngjae pouted.

The nurse made a gesture with his head for him to the take it all and the guard approached him too, handing him a glass of water.

"Come on Youngjae," said the guard trying to sound friendly, "Take it all, I’ll know if you don’t this time."

Youngjae snorted, containing the urge to roll his eyes, it was always the same, they always told him that they would notice if he didn’t take it but they never did, they had no way to find out.

He get the pills into his mouth and drink a big gulp of water to help the pills slide down his throat and then opened his mouth with his tongue up, to show them how he wasn’t hiding anything.

When he was left alone again, he got up in a hurry and spat out the three small white pills and flushed the toilet. He came out and sat down on the bed, Jaebum was giving him his back again.

"You took it all?" Jaebum asked, his voice was cold but also had a hint of fear.

"No, not the white," Youngjae told him, assuring him.

"You know what will happen if you take that," Jaebum turned around and stared at him "You can’t let them divide us."

Youngjae nodded, holding his gaze. He would take all the drugs they gave him but not the white pills - those made him feel useless and sick.

Those pills make the voices and the eyes evaporate, delete them from his mind by force.

But Youngjae wasn't ready to see Jaebum disappear. No yet.

**Author's Note:**

> I stole some lyrics of the song, sorry Em!
> 
> This one is a bit short, with a non so happy ending, but I hope you liked it even so... 
> 
> I posted this in honor of the 2jae date in NY! xD I just love to see them together, sorry :( 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
